DO LOVE HIM
The way I felt about you in October is pretty much the way I feel about you now - things haven't changed that much in that area I can assure you.. I think I'll always feel the same way. But things have changed elsewhere. I'm with ___ now, and you're right, I do love him. But you are failing to realise just how close I came to loving you.. but I never could because you really, really broke my heart.
I hate to be so cliched but its just how it is. When I first got to know you in October and November I liked you, in January when I got with the other ___ I liked you, and even when you stopped talking to me for 2 months I still liked you. But the feeling that I felt, of being so close to loving you, couldn't last forever, you know. I still care for you now, and I still like you now, so much but I just can't get close to loving you like I used to anymore, not right now anyway, because I have someone who I know loves me back, and because I can't put myself through that again.
You probably don't understand because you don't know what it was like for me back then but I can tell you it was hell. Seeing you now just makes me want to have your arms around me, you know? And that's hellish as well but that's my fault for still liking you. But I can't and I shouldnât and like you it drives me insane but I can't, not while I have ___. And I know I can't expect you to wait for me because I didn't wait for you (although in fact I did, for a very long time as I recall.. and you should have known, that if you'd said, just once that you wanted to be with me while I was with the first ____ that I would have dumped him in an INSTANT for you.. but that's another matter).. but I don't know how long this is going to last, and I don't want to break up something good when I don't know if you could ever love and be as true to me as I would be to you.. do you understand where I'm coming from?
I don't know if you do, obviously, but it's just a case of it being incredibly complicated for me. All throughout everything I never once knew exactly how you felt about me. I knew that you liked me, sure, but how much, and how long you would like me for was just completely unknown to me. Thatâs why I couldnât, and still can't, risk everything. I need to know that youâll be there for me and stay with me.. I hate to discriminate(? wrong word but anyway..) but you've cheated on people before, and I don't want to be at risk of getting hurt any more so much by someone who I really do hold so close to my heart.. who I know can get to me. Everything you say and do effects me in a way you probably never realised, that's why on Friday I hated to leave you when you were sitting on those garden chairs.. I didn't want to leave you there because I knew Iâ'd worry about you, a lot more than if you were standing next to me with your arms round my waist.
I do miss you sometimes you know. I'll just be sitting somewhere, not really thinking about anything in particular and all of a sudden you'll just come into my head.. and I'll wish I was talking to you, or that I could see you or something.. because I really do miss you. But I'd better shut up about that..
I'll leave you with a song.. purely because I don't know what to say anymore. I think I've said enough, for now, anyway:
"Yeah, I wish you knew how much I longed for you, and I wish on every shooting star that I could have you in my arms someday, but I need to know, I need to see if you ever will love me. I want to see your eyes right now, they remind me of the sea, and every single wave that comes crashing down on me.. could make this sadness go away. Another night is gone, and maybe I was wrong to say I miss you. But if I don't say anything at all, would we still stare at the stars? They make my night sometimes.. and if we could just talk about it, I would send us straight to that shooting star, the one I wished upon that night. Someday I will be the one, who makes this last forever - I would send us straight to the moon, forever and ever Somehow Hollow Somedayâ All my love..
the love letter collection