It doesn't seem fair really...if you think about it. You always ask me how I feel, why I have the expression I have, why do I sigh, why do I pull away when we are talking in those early hours in bed. You get so frustrated because my answer is always the same...I'm fine I say. Or nothing is wrong. And you always say I answer your questions with questions.

But I don't want to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to know how much I think about "us". I want to hear you say it to me. I want to hear you tell me that I matter. I want you to look at me and say that "I" am enough for you. But you don't. You always change the subject, or ask about my ex. He was so long ago. If you and I aren't a couple...then why does "he" matter?? You know I don't even talk to him anymore. You say you are just teasing to get a reaction from me. But I can't bare it anymore.

You say I am too serious. You say I need to relax. But how can I be relaxed when I don't know where I stand? How can I be playful, when I wonder who else has been sleeping beside you? You tell me I am suspicious for no reason, but there is evidence everywhere I look. Who gave you that rose on the dining room table? Surely, you didn't buy it for yourself? And why don't you "touch" me anymore? You don't hold me. You don't kiss me the way you used to. There is no passion. So who is she?

You told me in the beginning not to get attached...but how can I keep a distance when you have invaded my heart? You have taken up residence in my mind... I want so badly for you to tell me everything I want to hear...but you won't. I hate you for that. And I respect you for it too. I love that you won't lie about who you are.

You told me there is nothing to cheat on, as we have nothing but today. Is that your excuse for keeping me at arms length? You want me beside you every night, so in my heart, though I am suspicous, I know there has been no one else...yet. You get frustrated if I leave. You have grown tired of asking me how I feel. I am so confused.

Is this all a way for you to get me to come clean? To tell you I love you? To tell you that I want it to be exclusive? So you will have power over me? is that what this is?

I hate you so much. I do. I want you to tell me I am the only one. I want you to tell me that you want me. I want to be the one you need. Is that what you wanted?

[submitted 04/14/02]