I'm at my happiest in your presence, as well as at my most miserable. Our time passed so long ago and yet, there you are. And why is it that I'm writing you now? I'm not sure.

I feel deep within me there's things to share with you and I would trade everything to go back to the days when I could share those them. When it was safe and felt safe to share those things with you. Somehow now it feels defeated. But waxing poetic over the whole thing isn't going to help.

The truth of the matter is that I'm utterly terrified. And of what? Losing you. Losing something I don't even have to call my own. There's four weeks left in this little place where we lead two lives. Only four weeks left where nobody else but you and I are involved and then it's back to what? I don't know and that is what terrifies me.

I know I'm not everything you want. I stress you out. I annoy you. I'm not graceful and sometimes my mouth starts and finishes before my brain. I also can't take critism for its bare worth. I get too nervous and perhaps the most devestating of all crimes, I can't seem to eat at a restaurant while you're there.

Three years ago you asked to leave and I let you. I didn't want to and I protested in vain but in the end, when you needed to leave you could. I didn't follow you even though every footstep I've taken since then has felt the pull of being in the wrong direction. For months I fought against telling you the three words I knew you couldn't hear from me. Three words that I deem the most important of my vocabulary and do you know how hard that has been!? But why did I have to fight them?

Because, after I let you walk away, you came back. Time and again you've done it. You've missed me too much to stay away but not enough to be here. It hurts but settling for a part of you is so much better than settling for someone else I couldn't love as much.

I won't compare someone else to you

My respect for people as people is too great. I told you honestly that if you were around you couldn't expect my feelings to go on hold, you said that was fair. But it isn't. It's not fair that I have all these things going on inside of me and no release. So I wonder what will become of our convenient situation.

If you can't answer that then do me the courtesy, because you care for me or in the very least, respect me, by doing what I can't do, again. Walk away from me. Let me go and don't follow. Forever. Do it because I gave the same to you, and because you know I could never turn you away myself. Otherwise take me away and keep me close so I never doubt any of this ever again.

I love you always.

Yours, in love and faith.

[submitted 09/09/03]