Oh man, you have no idea what you used to mean to me. You have no idea how many hours I spent through countless nights, EVERY night, EVERY damn night through a couple of my teenage years fantasizing about what we would do in bed together.

Can you believe it, from the time I was 9 when I first met you till the time I was 21...what a long crazily long time to have this huge secret intense burning crush. Do you know that once when I was really screwed up mentally and my parents and I visited your parents, that as soon as you walked into the living room, I had this gigantic panic attack? One of the worst I have ever had... I couldn't breathe, I was shaking like a leaf and I felt so fucking ashamed of myself. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer and I couldn't get the motherfucker to stop and god the terror that my parents or yours could tell what was going on with me.

When you walked into the room, it really felt like this big heavy object crashing inside my body. and when we used to visit your parents and you weren't home, oh my god, the disappointment...cos the whole drive to your parents home, I'd be fanatsizing that THIS would be the time, THIS would finally be the time you'd tell me that you...I dunno...you found me beautiful....you liked me...wanted to be my boyfriend...shit....that's all I wanted I guess, to just know I'm not some loathsome ugly nerdy creature from the lagoon. who the fuck knows? Maybe at that time, with my glasses and my weird hair and my ugly clothes, you did see me that way. But ugly people also feel things like sexuality and attraction and crazy hot crushes and steamy sex fantasies you know? I just wanted to know that I wasn't ugly in your eyes.

Now society doesn't really consider me ugly. And now I have found someone else. God if you read this, yoiu're gonna feel so bad...like I don't give a shit about you any more.It's not like that at all. I don't hate you, I don't despise you. You were a victim of a fucking oppressive backward Neanderthal hypocritical sexually repressive culture just like me. In a way looking at it pragmatically I guess it's good for the both of us that nothing materialized, that you didn't say a word and neither did I.

But, oh god, if you only knew how much I yearned for you that whole decade. A whole decade spent craving you, begging fate to let me make love to you, imagining our first kiss, you taking my clothes off, me caressing your bare back and chest....whooosh..GONE All those feelings of yearning and desperation and sexual longing are just GONE. I'm surprised at the speed at which they've disappeared.

It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. That's just how life goes. It hurts you and twists you around and leaves you back where you started with no explanation of how you got there. Please find love and contentment. Please know that I'm very very flattered at what you feel for me now. It hurts my pride to say this, really does, it would be cool to have someone forever pining for me cos really up until a couple years ago when suddenly people started to like my face and my body, no one really gave a fuck about me. But for YOUR sake, it would be cruel to have you miss me forever. Real cruel.

So best of luck and when you find a woman you like, it'll be so hard for me to deal with her being better-looking than me(if she will be). I'm terribly insecure about how I look. yes I am. I have had these looks only a couple years....I have been undesirable all too long. There is still one part of me that wonders what you are like, what your lips taste like, what your skin is like, how your hands might hold me, how firm your chest would be and your beautiful muscular back...but fuck that, I gotta move on.

Not to put you down at all, in another time and place I would love to have known you and voraciously have sex with you, but it's not to be. Horrible. Brutal. I just gotta curse my luck, swear a lot, exhale and really really know deep down that the pain will never go away. and I gotta get up and just keep walking. I'll always have the pain of a yearning that came to nothing. fucking nothing. just fucking dust in the wind that nobody gives a shit about.

[submitted 11/12/03]