Good Morning!

I woke up about 7:30 this morning feeling all warm inside with thoughts of you and wanting to tell you about them. Its not everyday I wake up with my heart beating so fast. I've got to get used to that.

I dreamt about you and us all night. The rain pounding on my roof may have also contributed. It's still raining, in fact. I hope you slept okay. I miss you.

Some thoughts I had when I woke up.... We chatted a little bit about your emotional side and how necessary it is for me to be able to handle it. I got a strong taste of it yesterday afternoon. (Wow! What's going on? Why is he like this? Yeah, I'm talking about bad stuff that could potentially happen, the horrible what if's, but why is he so sad about it now? It's not going to happen. If we work on what we want to have between us, why did he go there so fast? Did I put him there? I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry, I screwed up....) No. You have to go there. Once in a while....Reality. (The reality that we might not work?) No. Not really.

But as hard as this relationship is starting out to be with our separate lives, am I going to get weak or will he give up, at some point? From the bottom of my heart, I hope neither of us gives up. As much as I care for and have cared for this man, I hope we stay strong and our relationship, that has just started to grow, stays strong....and lasts....until we die....

Sigh...

I fell asleep on the opposite side of the bed last night, very unusual. I fell asleep during my second episode of Sex in the City, something else that's unusual..I love watching that show. I hugged more than my usual count of pillows. All night. Thinking they were you. All night. Mmmmmm, the feeling of being so comfortable around you. Intertwined...with you. Sigh.... Someday. It will always be you.

Big sigh....

Hmmm...

Reality check thought....

You know something...I thought I was the whacky one ... wanting... needing... overly emotional... but I see you are the same as me.... Hmmm... I've got to be more generous. Show you that I can fulfill your needs as much as I would like mine, need mine fulfilled. Assurance. We both need that assurance that our relationship is real. Real is not the right word at this point... More like hmmmm.... assurance that our relationship will last.

Another thought... deep thought... hmm should I go there? Sigh... be sensitive. Okay...I'll try...even if it means I have to re-write it a gazillion times until I get it out right.... Okay... here's the thought....

The next time we are intertwined like that... and you notice me, just kinda frozen... please understand, its a barrier. In me. As close as we were, I mean, we were very close... Whoa! That was almost too close. (Heck the guy yelled at us to get a room!) As natural as it felt... I'm going to be cautious of myself and you. How close we get.... physically. Oh, there's going to be frustration, I promise you that. But to be perfectly honest...I'm not going to be ready to be much more closer to you for a long time. I'm going to watch myself and you and what we do all the time in the beginning of this relationship. We are adults and physical feelings like that are perfectly natural...exciting...and at some point, we may do stuff, that...ummmm, I think may just happen. I don't want those kind of things to just happen. Between us, just yet. I'm talking about being turned on. You know what I'm talking about, I know you do.

The other day, you wrote about igniting the gas can when we were at Brookshire.... I knew what you meant and as much as I want to, need to kiss you like that.... I'd better be careful. With you. With me. I want you to understand how important it is to be cautious before we get physical like that. I can be very passionate, don't know if you realize that yet, but passion can stir things up and I don't want to stir things up like that and make things wrong. I may stop, in the middle of us doing something and I so badly need you to understand why. (Wow. this is great...we're getting so turned on...Mmmmmm....Hey! She pulled away! Why did she do that??? What the ...?) I'm going to do that. I have to do that. Please understand that. Understand me.....

I have to ask...something about you and your feelings...The insecurity. You have it. It's very strong. At times, knowing the person that I knew, I can't believe you are so insecure. Around me. About us. For me to talk about the bad what if's, you've shown me how insecure you are. Why is that? You and I both understand the ramifications of us going into this relationship and I thought I was showing you, telling you how much I care about you and our relationship, that I cannot understand why the insecurity exists. A few weeks ago, we both wondered if we were going to allow ourselves to jump into this...I asked Are you willing? I never got the answer. Nor did you ask me what I thought. Can you tell by now what my answer is? Do I have to tell you in words what my answer is?

I'm going in. You mean that much to me. I think about us all the time. I want us to be US, more than you know. I AM thinking about the risks, I AM thinking of our kids, I AM thinking about US. I HAVE thought about what I'm going to answer to when someone finds out....if we get caught....explaining to my kids. I think about leaving where I am ALL the time...and the real reasons why I would be leaving. I think about when will that happen...how will that happen. I have been trying to figure this stuff in my head for several weeks, in fact, no... longer than that...since the time I was wishing for the possibility that we'd have feelings for each other...well, I think that possibility arrived.

So, I AM thinking about what am I going to do and how I'm going to handle things, more so than ever. Don't freak out. I'm not going to announce anything to anyone for a while. I'm just stating that I want to be with you...always. And I am fully aware that someday, I will have to explain to someone else, my reasons for why.

If this still freaks you out either way, I'd like to talk about it. In person, on the phone, email or IM. I'd like for us to talk about these things. We should.

You know something...you talk about being sad when we're away from each other. I can't be sad about that anymore. Knowing what's in my heart and knowing what's in yours, I can't be sad for our times apart. We don't always have to physically be around each other when the connection we have and feel is so strong. Although, the physical surroundings do help - a lot!, the ESP and knowing I'm always thinking about you/you about me, certainly helps me get passed the sadness. I hope you feel the same. I need you to feel the same. I don't want you to be sad. It makes me sad. We have each other. We've had each other and just didn't know it before. Now we know. So, its okay. For now and it will be much better later...I promise.

Love, Hugs and Kisses...

PS. I just missed you on IM - AGAIN! I didn't noticed you logged on and now you just logged off. You sensed me thinking of you. :D

[submitted 05/15/03]