Dear Greatest Grrrl in the whole Universe, aka _______,

There is one of the best thunderstorms taking place right now. I just came inside the library from smoking a cigarette, and witnessed massive clouds flying at god-like speed. A bolt of lightning hit the ground very close to our location and everyone on the patio jumped when the thunder knocked out the lights for a second. "Whoa!" we all said, looking at oneanother. Everyone who comes in this computer lab proclaims, "don't go out there, nothing's dry. I hope my disks aren't ruined!" Poor folks have to run to finals in this monstrosity of hostility. It's wonderful. They just announced all the computers are down in our big computer lab. I suppose they'll all be heading this way now. I should probably let people use this that actually need to complete some work. But a few more minutes won't kill anyone.

I'm sorry about last night's email. I'm awfully upset over this whole ordeal. No offense, but I always said I'd never let a relationship come between my brother and I, but I never really fathomed how that might be possible, thus I never took the subject very seriously. I can't lose you, but I can't let him drift off either.I wish he was easier to talk to, and since this is real life, and not some mock conflict mediation, I feel like my skills won't combat the issue as easily. Plus, I'm not a neutral third party anymore, I have a very compelling interest in these matters and it's not an easy thing to deal with.

I feel if we let things "cool off" or some giving-in bullshit like that, we'd feel even worse because not only will he have "won" in his eyes, but we'd just be miserable and lonely. Why doesn't he understand how happy you make me, how desolate my life usually is. I contend he's the blindest member of my life, not because he doesn't see what's happening to me, but because I disclose more clues to him than anyone else in my family.

That's why I really do love my mother so much. I don't have to tell her anything, she knows my head's fucked up half the time I'm around, and the other half I'm so schized-out that she can't get a word in. I remember right before I left for school after Christmas, I had just gotten back from thrift shopping and a movie with an old band mate, _______, and his new college pal, _______. We had a blast, and I came home as happy as I ever was; I showed my mom and stepdad all my new hip vintage clothing and then I went and stood in the kitchen and bawled my eyes out for about five minutes in front of my mother. When I could start breathing again, I kind of smiled and decided that it was time for some dinner.

Needless to say I put my mom in almost hysterics because she had absolutely no idea what to think of this. "It isn't healthy, normal, blah blah blah. I think you might need some more help. Have you asked your therapist about meds?" No no no no no! I didn't want any help, just a good cry, and some arms around me for a moment. Then I was fine, hungry, confused, but satisfied. _______ never has and never will see that, he's not open to emotions, and if I try to convey how miserable I generally am to him in some other fashion, he wouldn't pick up on it. Even if he did, he's not affectionate enough to do anything about it.

Now I feel good, happy, truly content, not with just us, but myself, fuck, even the world. And who wants to ruin that? Why??? What does he have against you? Hell, what does he have against me? Perhaps he does know I'm fucked up and filled with anguish, and perhaps he'd prefer that, but I can't live a life in pain. Love is one of the few remedies for my heart, and right now it's working at maximum capacity. I must call him to certain reckonin's.

for this he owes me.
and you owe me a big mother-truckin' kiss on the face before I leave!

I will make things right, I swear it! Enough "whatever," or "fuck it," I'm going to straighten all this out, and I know how to do it. Don't worry, nothing violent, nothing too rash, just straight up honesty.

Hope for the best.

Frustrated...shouldn't have crossed line...can't talk to god...can't call you...can't sleep...but if I could lay down beside you...oh what harmony...no substances, just your love, ______, I need your head on my chest, your hair in my mouth. I'm glad I crossed the line, god doesn't want to talk to me, all I want is your love, I'm so frustrated and perfectly, serenely, superflously happy. Take me home. We'll go across the country and make IT! We'll make our home where we park the car. We'll eat out at diners at four in the morning! We'll get into ADVENTURES! We'll love one another! WE'LL MAKE IT, HAPPINESS IS OURS!!!!!!!!!

I'll know you the way you know me, we'll know ourselves. Satisfaction beyond comprehension. Sounds fine!

Love, pugs, and lollipops,

_______

p.s. enjoy the yr day off, the weather is fine! yes! yes! yes!!!!

[submitted 06/06/02]