October 17-

Today after so long I find the time and desire to write you. You must forgive me for being so late and so absent, but it seems more appropriate to wait until I see you. I am well but my problems and father are not. After being at the hospital my father didn't relapse and his heart is fine, but his only kidney doesn't function as it should and this causes other innumerable physical handicaps, also serious psychological problems.

When you left I believed that everything would be easy and instead it's become even more difficult without you. Before falling in love with you I felt invincible, I believed that I didn't need anyone, and instead I realize that this feeling has weakened my character.

In these difficult times, I should call you and look for you, and instead I don't have the energy, maybe because I don't want to admit that I need you beside me now more than ever.I tried to react, going out with friends, going dancing, but I am realizing that my life without you and all my old friends has become deathly boring.

These telephone silences are not due to other women or the lack of desire, but to circumstances and economic hardship. I love you and would like to be there with you every moment.

I miss your smiles, your incurable depression, your slowness, your attentions, your laughter, your distractions; I know that it's hard to believe me, but I want you to live with me.

I haven't even had time to move the old furniture out of the house, and since work has gone badly I haven't built the bed either nor carried ahead the project of going to the English language school. But I won't surrender, now or ever, because I know that you love me and respect me and have faith in me. Soon I will become invincible again like before.

There is no other news, other than at the shop where I work, work has come back, but they don't pay and I am looking for a change. It's hard because in Italy now there's no work for anyone.

I went to the Harley-Davidson shop and chose the one that I hope will become my motorcycle. It's model (and I tell you this because I want you to go look at it there) FXDWG. Dynawide Glide 1340 cc. When I saw it my heart beat strong like the first time I made love to you. They let me get on and go for a ride and it was like it was an extension of my legs. The only negative thing is the price, here in Italy it's $32,000, but I want it whatever the cost.

The same thing goes for you, even if you didn't love me anymore, know that I want you, I will have you, whatever the cost. From now on I will call and write more often because I understand that it doesn't do any good to close myself inside with my problems and I will risk losing the only woman that I have ever loved.

Now I'm young and have many headaches, but two can confront problems better together, as well as the joys.

Since you're not here I must try to recover my strength in order to stay well together when I have back close to me. You know you were right; when someone's gone you remember all those things that you couldn't mentally focus on before - those days at the lake, the sea, outings with my daughter, the jealousies at the discotheque, sweet moments, dinners, nights of love, rage, detachment; those moments were truly characteristic of anguish and fear, of uncertainty, those things for which I'm sorry and those things that my silences must have augmented, especially fear. But it's not true, you must believe me that I love you and want you to return to me forever.

You know, when you were here one time I told you that I wasn't able to tell you that I loved you, but I did love you. I didn't want to admit it because I didn't want to feel vulnerable, and it's also that way regarding this letter.

I didn't want to seem in love, even if in reality I cried alone for love and for you.

This letter represents a change. I decided to make you understand and know my feelings better because I am convinced that you will work better and with more concentration if you feel me close to you.

Ciao, my love. The rest of this letter I'll write tomorrow.

-Un bacio

[submitted 07/21/02]