ok so I'm quite drunk now. just so you know!! But alcohol brings out the truth...or something.......

Listening to my most favourite radio station -_______ - check it out. But be warned - it's hysterical - ok so maybe I'm slightly biased but it is actually great and it was part of my life for so long and took me to, and through work for 4 years and I'm not over it yet - and I fear I never will be.

Anyway - I feel terribly bad about the other night. The fact that it was my birthday made me think that I could have everything/one I wanted and I may have taken advantage of certain drunk people. I'm sorry. I am still getting used to the fact that I can't have everything I want - got everything I wanted for so long so it's not actually my fault (also delusional).

But now that I am a lady (almost) I am graciously accepting the fact that I am and always will be a terrible tinker/gobshite. I am actually really sorry and feel terribly humilitated. I think that I am feeling really homesick and missing my friends and family terribly. It was such a culture shock coming here. It's a different way of life. Sometimes I feel like a novelty - which reinforces the idea that I can have everything I want - and other times I feel like I'm way out of my depth. It was by chance that I ended coming here in the first place. I was perfectly happy and then all this was offered to me and I took it cos I didn't know any better and all I can think of is the fact that I actually have no idea how I got here and that the past 2 years have completely taken control of my life and I don't know how to take it back.

Cos I'm just an Irish girl, very simple, very straightforward, no bullshit, no complications, still read Shakespeare before I go to sleep, still adore Yeats, Synge, Kavanagh, Kinsella, still dream about living on the Aran Islands and writing a book about Macbeth and walking barefoot on the beach in the freezing cold. So many people have so many expectations and I'm stuck in my fate and I don't know what to do about it. I am trapped in a reality that doesn't feel like a reality.

I wish that i could play football, cycle, write, wake up next to you, live an uncomplicated existence, which is just that - an existence. A truly happy one. Because that's what life is about. Existing. Getting through the day and sleeping well. I hope that someday I achieve that. I have a feeling that I will. Cos things always work out. Cos that's life.

Yours always, _____.

P.S. I'm an eternal optimist - someday I'll learn.