THAT NIGHT IN THE JACUZZI


_____,


I never expected this. I don't even know what to call these feelings...do they have a name? I told you I was shy around you and you asked if it was because I was afraid of losing you.

And I lied to you. I said no, flippantly, looking away. I lied.

Of course I'm afraid. Afraid of you seeing the insecure me, the me who is struggling and vulnerable. I am afraid of losing your friendship that I have come to value and hold dear. I'm afraid to admit to you that I have allowed myself to go down this path without knowing your position. I could kick myself! I'm afraid that if you knew all of this, you really would cease to call, find other things to fill your time with like you did before. And rightfully so; what a truly frightening admission!

I am not afraid; however, of being alone. I have been alone in my heart for as long as I can remember and have done quite well with it. In this lengthy space of time, I have learned to love myself for all that I am worth, and, without being arrogant, I do believe I am quite worthy of love and affection. This was the only truthful part of my "No" answer...

I know there is someone out there who is ...well, out there, living their lives parallel to mine and when we do meet finally, and are totally honest with each other, we will be one with and for each other... I do fear, that the reality exists that you and I are similar in so many ways and you more than meet the above criteria for compatibility... I do fear this truth and fear that you may not see it the way I do.

And, that, my friend, is why I lied. To admit that I am afraid of losing you is to admit all of this.

...And I could simply not convey this to you that night in the jacuzzi in detail...

....So I chose the easy path.

I'm sorry I was not completely truthful...

...forgive me?



the love letter collection
submitted 7:55 PM EST
wednesday, february 27, 2008