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THERE'S
NO GUARANTEE I was happy to get your email. More than anything I just want to understand better what you are thinking and feeling and what's happening here between us. I'm so sorry I can't find the strength to be bigger about this. I hate being such a basketcase but I was not prepared for what's happened. My whole world has been turned upside down and the happy life I dreamed of living with you in our new city is now a lonely struggle. I've walked around with a hole in my gut for the past 6 weeks. I can't concentrate. I haven't read a sentence since you broke up with me- I can't even read the paper. I'm a wreck but 'ām trying to pull myself together. I'm not saying all this to blame you. I just need you to know how hard this is for me. And to understand why I can't just say "let's be friends" the way you would like me to. But I'm trying, trying to listen and understand and accept. And you're trying to explain things helps, so I think it's good that we do keep talking, emailing whenever we feel comfortable doing so. ______, I want you to grow to be the person you want to be, the person you really are. Thatās all I ever wanted. You could never become someone I wouldn't like, let alone love. I'm so terribly sorry that I've led you to believe that I could only love one part of you or an idea of you that I invented. I know I can be judgmental and that this has been hard for you to bear. But thereās nothing about you that I don't love. I love the fact that you are such a Mariah fan- I always have- I just liked giving you a hard time about it. I know you, _____. I know your heart and soul. I've been inside you. I've looked into your eyes while your cumming, held you in my arms and listened to your heartbeat while you slept; Iāve seen you angry and sad; I've seen your childhood pictures- the ones with the bleached Rocker hair. I know who you are- ---, --, ??- your past and your future. And I love all of you, all the many sides of you. There's nothing you could do or say or become that would make me love you less. You could kill someone and I would still love you. You could give up art. You could get a sex change operation for Christ's sake and I would turn gay. I love you that much. And I accept all of you and whatever you choose to do. That's the greatest and truest love. It's also such a rare love. You're an incredible, beautiful person and you will only become more incredible and more beautiful with every passing year. And smarter. And stronger. I only wanted to be with you through all this. I know you need to become more of all of these things and that as you do you will be a better partner and feel better about our relationship. So I understand that this decision you've made is for the best- not only for you but for us. It's just hard to be apart from you. Especially after we've been together for so long, after we've grown so close, after I've come to love you so much, after all the plans we had. I want to give you the time and space you need. I don't want to bug you or force you into coming back to me before you are ready. And I know there's no guarantee that you will ever want to come back to me. But I'm here for you, you know that, donāt you? I could never turn my back on you.
[submitted
02/16/04] |