Ok, I debated a long time on whether or not to write any of this but what the hell? The way I see it I'm either climbing out on a limb much too small to bear my weight which will cause me to fall and break something much harder to mend than a bone or this tree we two are sharing is a lot taller and stronger than either of us realize.

*deep breath*

Until now, I have hesitated to call what there is between us anything but strong attraction and certainly not love or fate or destiny. However, all of these forces seem to be conspiring against me, working to push me further into a swirling abyss that I find more than a little scary. You see, I am in love with you.

There, I said it. :)

I didn't realize we have no control over these things. I thought I was an island unto myself. I wanted, no I EXPECTED to be alone for some time after breaking up with ____. I'm a strange girl. My thought processes are too out there for most people to follow but I'm ok with that. I didn't really care if I dated anyone because I'm happy alone. I didn't expect to fall so hard and so fast for anyone or anything other than freedom.

But fall hard and fast I have. I talked to ______ for a long time Friday night, trying to put into words these feelings that overwhelm me. They leave me reeling and breathless, exhausted but exhilarated. It's so hard to explain them with something as static and limiting as words because they change and soar and metamorphose so quickly. The reason I asked you your thoughts on fate, destiny, and love at first sight are because these are all words that have been mentioned to me in relation to my feelings for you. Let's start with fate.

I don't know if you have heard L. and I talk about our mutual friend E.. E. lives in Augusta and is dating L's best friend. She and I have never met but she joined my e-list last summer. We hit it off, both being pagan and into the same things. I never thought anything of the fact she lived in Augusta, L's hometown. When she started dating the guy it never occurred to me that he might know L.

Last Christmas, I was feeling nostalgic. In November, I had gotten an icq from someone I once dated. He has changed his name and is now a male model in New York. Go figure. It made me wonder how everyone else was doing. I emailed D. first, he was fine. I already knew J. was married. G, fine. What about L? I went on an intense online search for him. I came across the best friend's website with some weird quotes by one LD. I queried E. Who is this LD? Could they be one in the same? But of course!

What a small, freaky little world the internet is. Less than 24 hours after picking E's brain on the subject, she had seen L at a Christmas party, told him I was looking for him, and voila! I had an email from him. We began talking. A lot. L's always been one for long intense phone calls so I sat up til all hours of the night many times over the next month and a half. He was upset over his most recent breakup, I was bitter about G. There was no love connection but we were both single and knew that we enjoyed each other physically (as you put it), hence the idea for me to come to Dallas. He said he wanted me to meet his friends and hang out, in addition to any extracurricular activities, but we both knew it was a hook up. So we split the cost of a plane ticket and there I was, enjoying one of the weirdest weekends in my life.

Now we move on to the subject of destiny...

I was more than a little nervous at the idea of meeting any of his friends, you in particular. Ok, I was freaking out about it. I had no idea what he had told any of you about me, if anything. All I knew was that you knew he and I had dated and that it didn't end well. I figured you would be very judgmental and hate me on sight or at least give me the cold shoulder for a while, much like he describes his friend K (T's wife).

You also have to take into consideration that L hyped you a lot before I came to town, for reasons I'm still not sure of. I got to hear all about how nice you are, your bike, your ability to speak french, and how you like cats/honey/olives/mustard ( all very important qualities to me). Then he capped it off with "the two of you would probably really get along." And so, I walked into your house one chilly February evening knowing a great deal more about you than I really needed to know. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...

And now for the final and most perilous installment, love at first sight.

Call me a skeptic but it's not something I have ever put much stock in. It's the subject of country songs and bad paperback romance novels. I believe in chemistry and strong attraction, lust if you will, but love is not something I've ever thought could happen in an instant. There's too much involved and at stake.

And yet there I was standing face to face with one of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my life. And he was cool. And he was tall. And he had curly hair. And he was Squirrel.

I felt compelled to get to know you, just as I feel compelled to write this. From that moment I have been absolutely consumed with thoughts of you. It's like a sickness but a good one, one that is thoroughly all encompassing. It has pervaded every part of my being. I have felt a physical ache for someone before but I've NEVER experienced anything like this. I ache to be near you, to touch you, to feel your breath on my skin. I ache to kiss you, to hear your voice, to feel you inside me. I miss everything about you. I try to tell myself I would be happy just to be in the same room with you but I know in my heart it wouldn't be enough, that I wouldn't be satisfied until I was 4mm away from you and even then I'd probably have to hold your hand or touch your thigh. It's beyond an ache, it's need. I need you. It's driving me insane.

I knew that it had gotten out of hand after that first ride on your bike. I wanted to hug you so badly. I couldn't explain it. I never hug strangers. I just wanted to touch you but it wasn't sexual. Something inside me felt drawn to you, pulled towards you. I don't know what made me resist it but I kicked myself a million times after you walked out that door.

I don't understand what this is, what's happening to me or why. It's outside my realm of experience and completely unexpected. This is truly uncharted territory. Even if you don't feel any of these things, I know writing this is the right thing for me to do. My heart has been so heavy, weighed down with things I wanted to share with you. Common sense tells me this is a terrible risk but for some reason it just feels right. I would rather be honest and let you know how I feel than keep it from you.

Call it fate, call it destiny, call it love at first sight. All I know is that I love you. I just wanted you to know...

[submitted 05/13/03]