WHEN I SEE THE ROSE BUSHES AROUND THE POOL


No time to waste;
tomorrow comes too fast, and I have to trust each day that you will find me again. (Though I will be old and gray when you come. You won't care then, and niether will I, but the young me is sad for this.)

Every day is spent dancing, and you are somewhere in the music. But not here. Not now. But, yes somewhere. Only your body went away, and we both know it--it is the same now as in 92, and 94. Only the interval this time is our whole lives...

Life, what is life but the shell of our learning? We chose to learn apart this time around so that we could understand what it meant to be re-united. We are eternal. Separation in this life does not mean separation forever.

None other will ever be my lemon except you. Honor will always govern my choices, and I would be her friend, too, if she would let me. He knows, but he cannot fathom the consequences of so great a love. He chooses to be oblivious, though anyone else would have thrown me out by now. Thank god for the clueless.

What did you do to her? What did you say to her? Why does she hate me and why does that give me hope? Do you still have a (secret) one-chambered heart? I could do nothing if she were not part of it, and she must be part of you, and therefore I must love her too.

I knew for a long time which way you would choose...and had to make my peace with it. I knew long before you did. The way everything turned it is as it should be. Not...mind you, how I wanted it to be, but the way it should be all the same. God knew it too, and I hated him for it. Have hated him ever since.

When I look out of my kitchen window and see the rosebushes around the pool, I remember skinny-dipping with you that summer...and I know that my yard desperately needs a hammock so that I can watch the stars in your arms...

You are in my brownies, my Coke bottles, my silver moons, my music, my lemons that I throw in our lake every year on your birthday. You are in my head…and still in my heart.

Las Vegas, Atlanta, Savannah, Baltimore, Hilton Head, St. Louis...I never know what the right answer is...but I wish I had one, and I wish I had you right next to me. Just to talk...to share a good stiff cup of coffee, and all the love we can rightfully give to each other at this moment in our lives.

Yes, you are a dorkface. A super-duper dorkface but I will love you for it--forever. I'm sorry I was too young and foolish to know how to love you in the way that you wanted.

(P.S.-- I was never your adversary. Not knowingly.)
Semper Amaberis




the love letter collection