Hello you...

It's gonna be a month soon. A month since you left without a reason. Well you had a reason, a reason that no one understood except you. I still think about it. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about you, us, and it drives me crazy. There are very few moments of weakness, where I'll give in and cry for you, but that isn't that often. My thoughts are all over the place now, worse than before, so I'll try to make this make the most sense possible.

I felt so much for you. I don't think you knew that. I hardly ever showed it. I figured I had plenty of time for that. Regret is a frequent feeling. At least I have closure knowing I did love you, but what keep repeating in my head is, Did you love me like you had said and promised you did? I don't think you did. You probably did have feelings for me, but not love, like you had said.

Trusting people is hard for me to do, and you knew it. You begged for my trust. You pled to me that you were different than all those others that had hurt me, but you were exactly like them. Your feelings changed over night, I have no clue what went through your mind. Like I said, it still keeps me up at night.

Do you remember the first time you said you loved me? I do. Very well, actually. We weren't even dating, and you made that everlasting promise. We were having a totally irrelevant conversation, and out of nowhere, you breathed those three words out. It was difficult for me to hear. I remember squirming deeper into the couch while you said it. Those words are supposed to make a person feel amazing, but I felt scared. We got into an argument about it. I told you it was impossible, you told me I didn't know what you were feeling. You were right. Kinda. I didn't know your feelings, but I knew it was too good to be true. Love is an impossibly large feeling. Your mind is too young to handle it.

Speaking of being young; what's up with you avoiding me, and giving me dirty looks when you feel big enough to take your eyes off the ground when I'm around? It's not like I'm the one that hurt you and dug a spear into your heart! I'd like to remind you that you're the one that changed their feelings about our relationship. I still wasn't ready to let go. I'm still not ready (not like I have a choice, though). Well, letting go of something that means so much to me was never one of my strong points. But you'll never know that.

I like to think you still have feelings for me, even though I know you don't. I guess it kinda keeps me going, thinking that someday you'll come back begging for my love, and I'll be able to hurt you the way you hurt me. Who am I kidding? I would never be able to hurt you. I'm unable.

The first time I had an actual conversation with you was very memorable. You acted so dorky, but so cute. It was endearing. I loved it when you looked at me the first time; with wide, curious eyes. Like a newborn baby. I hid my face in my arms and looked at you, because I didn't want you to see me blush, or my goofy smile. You had made me feek so comfortable, that pretty soon I was able to talk to you as if I'd known you all my life. It left me with a goofy smile all that day, and that weekend.

After we had started dating, you began to sing. Not just sing, but sing to me. I used to look forward to it so much. Just to hear the tune and happiness in your voice made me melt. Once, you sang a song with the line "..and I promise I'd die for you,". I was only half paying attention, and I happened to cough at the end of that line. You repeated it and I only said, "sure". You wouldn't talk to me normally for the rest of the night, because I didn't respond properly to your offer. I'd like to see you die for me now, hon. I had told you to not make promises you couldn't keep. There's another example of you not listening to me.

When you touched me...wow. If that [wow] was a feeling, that's what I would've felt. You sent sparks through my whole body. It was weird, but a good weird, like you. When your fingers just brushed against me, I felt it. You made me feel like our relationship was something special. Something that would last. Obviously, I was deceived. It wasn't special, and it didn't last.

Although I do have alot of urges to hurt you physically, I can't. Our short lived lust was amazing. Unexplicably amazing. You gave me more than I could've asked for (good and bad) and my memories of you are only good ones. I really hope you can say the same about me. Even though you'll never feel the way i did, you'll always mean alot to me. One day, I hope you can find it in your heart to let us be friends again. It really hurts knowing that I lost you completely, but I feel better thinking that maybe, just maybe, one day we can be friends again. I hope that somehow this will get to you. It would be better if you knew all this. You know where to find me; wherever the sun goes down.

Love Me

[submitted 05/30/03]