|
| GOODNIGHTGOODMORNING I could count the days since the last time I saw you, or since the last time I screwed you and kissed you goodnightgoodmorning and agreed that I should move clothes into your closet, but I gave up counting days when I hit 100. You’ve moved away, of course you’ve moved away, and you didn’t say goodbye. But I didn’t expect a goodbye. I’ve known you were going to move because you move when life sucks and you leave when your heart breaks and you move because you’ve made a living out of leaving. Before, during, we created track lists of songs by singers who knew what we felt before we knew what we felt or before we could tell each other what we felt, as if these CDs was easier than saying I don’t ever want to lose you; don’t leave me; I don’t know how to handle how much I feel for you. This CD is the closest thing to my heart that I can give you. Take it. Protect it. Love it. And, if you want, love me too. _____, my son, our son for a while, is now four. He’s forgotten you, and I’m sorry he’s forgotten you, but he’s forgotten you, and I’m sure he’s forgotten you, but then he will say hi, jogger, which you taught him, and he will describe how to feed a fish, which you taught him, and he will not take a bath and he will say that in baths he feels like an ingredient in a soup, which you taught him. I’ve stopped crying, and _____ has stopped asking me what is broken, and I’ve stopped lying to him and telling him that nothing is broken because nothing is broken. And _____, the daughter you never met, is nine months and says da-da and ma-ma and ba-ba, and she laughs and she looks like me. You would have called her another person you couldn’t help but love, just as you called _____ a person you couldn’t help but love, and just as you called me a person you couldn’t help but love. For a while, I continued putting track lists together of songs I discovered since you and I ceded each other’s undiscovered parts. For a while, these track lists were the only way to reach you. Not that you heard these track lists. Some days I think you’re single and some days I think you’re engaged (but I bet my ring was better!) and happy and convinced I was just a hurdle to overcome in your race toward the finish line, and I never was much for running, though you should see me on the treadmill. And some days I think you want me to find you, and some days I think you’ve changed your name, and some days I think I want to change my name, but I will not change my name, so, in case you want to find me, I will be here not changing my name. ---------
|